The dark and contradictory

yo

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 14:00:54 GMT

That's right, all, I'm back again. But I'm not here to talk about my life or what's been going on in it, Well, I might do that, but I'm here to have a little rant first. Sope box time starts here so feel free to skip past, or, if you want, comment and tell me why I'm wrong or right I welcome that.

Firstly: his one is directed towards the Brits.
Now, I like Britain, I think it's done a lot for me personally and can be a very good place from time to time. But there is that British culture that one just can't seem to get to grips with. I'm talking about oldstyle colonial nationalistic and traditional views. How can a British person onnestly be arrogant enough to say, Britain over all, Britain rules all and we should have an empire and have control? The reason they had an empire in the first place was because of their agressive and admittedly good combat, but absolute power corrupts absolutely, doesn't it?
So many people I've seen here, see the people for the country they come from, if you're affrican, you have to be poor or backward, if you're american you just simply must be an asshole, if your German you must be borring with no sense of humour and hate everything British! Whereas I try to see the country in terms of the people. One cannot just sterreotype a hole place based on the polacies of the government. I'll take a british example. Say some one said that Toney blaire is a push over and thus all Britain yealds to the demands of America because of Blaire's habbit of keeping Bush at bay. When one considers that labour was only elected by a 40% margin or so with a fucking 70% voter turnout, using FPTP that was enough to put them in office! Thus the government is not representitive of the people an one cannot say that all Brits love the US. It's just an example but my point is, one cannot judge an entire country based on polacies or what you read in the news. What about this Britain over all thing. Can they truly believe that they and only they have the right of things? Christianity is the only way, muslims are all terrorists and all immigrants are stupid, can't speak english and spunge off the government? I'm sure and I've heard of many Brits who spunge off the government, but their argument is, well it's my government why can't I? I agree if someone is to come to a country just to live easy and not work, that is wrong, but when many british people see a chinese person or an indian, they think, fucking bloody immigrant! regardless of if that person is in a job and doing well. What also of this clinging to the old snobbish over the top formality. So what what someone discusses over dinner, who cares what fucking fork they use or if they use one at all? If they are going to judge a person based on such trivialities then that is pothetic! I agree there are somethings, like farting or talking about vommit and such, that can be considered nasty to some. But onnestly, when the question asked is weather I should leave just a small amount of food on the plate, so as not to insult the host because you make them think that they've not satisfied you, or weather to take all the food because it shows you enjoyed it and wanted to finish it, I'm sorry but formality has it's limits! I know we need to protect culture and british people should be just as proud of things like lancashire hotpot and the Beetles and the Sex Pistals, or whatever, as any country about it's achievements. However if one's culture is snobbish, arrogant, unfriendly, biased and, homofobic an zenofobic, then can one not see a problem? I have british friends, so I'm not sterreotyping either, but there is that sect of the british public that thinks this way and they are raising their children to have the same condicention for the average individual as their forbearers. I'm inferior because I didn't grow up and go to a private school and wear a crisp uniform like afucking robot? No, I'm a human being and I try to help other human beings, without judging their culture or ethnicity or habbits. People are people, some bad some good, but they are still people and if one can stand up and say I have freedom because I will not condescend, I will not judge whenever I can help it and I will take the toughness and strength that the British have without taking on their zenofobia or hatreds, then you are human as well. Then you truly are a person, not just a product of a society-dictated thing that hates instead of shows compassion. That's what living is all about.

Ich schreibe auf Deutsch

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 09:18:52 GMT

Warum schreibe ich auf deutsch, fragst du? Der Antwort ist, dass ich keine Ahnung hab. Vielleicht weil ich mich langweile, vielleicht weil ich 1 in Deutsch letzte Woche bekommen hab, oder nur weil ich so comisch bin! Ich weiß, dass ich ganz schlecht buchstabiere, sag nichts darüber! lol!
Auf jedenfals war mein Wochenende ganz schön. Ich war bei Kim und wir sind am donnerstag in die Kneipe gegangen. Ich war nicht betrunken, aber sie hat mir tausendmal gesagt, dass ich aufhören zu rauchen solle! Dass weiß ich! Es gibt nicht so viel Arbeit, aber ich hab endlich gefunden, dass ich die Sprachen studieren will. Es ist gut, glaub ich, zu wissen, was ich machen will. Die deutschen kommen am Sonntag und man hat mir gesagt, dass meine Austauschpartnerin eine Gitarrespielerin sei. Ich freue mich darauf! Nichts Besonderes passiert ausserdem dass ich sehr sehr glück mit Kim bin und sie ist echt so cool!

Ich Schreibe auf Deutsch

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 09:09:35 GMT

Well, I've been faced with a lot of serious questions lately. The main one is, quite simply, what am I here for, what career, what life, what hope have I. I know I had my belief on law, of that I am certain, but what if I'm wrong? Look, I'm a linguist, ok? I am a god damn linguist! The truth is, I understand language in a way that I onnestly think not a lot of people do, that's not bragging I hope not anyway, but I do. I put things together, I see structure and order in the chaos and torrent of words that compose a language and make it flow in ways that just make sense, regardless of if I've been taught it, I just do it without effort and I love it. To have a career, should not that passion be there for it? Do I have that for law? I like what I know of law, which, admitedly, is very little but I like it. The question is, do I like it enough and do I have what it takes to undergo the years and years of training and expense of doing it? The answer is that I don't know. Also, what does one do with languages? Interpret, fine, but there are so many linguists out there who are just as good or better than I would be, the world is flooded with us. I need something that sets me apart and law would do that. Logically I understand, emotionally, I know that if I fuck this up, I can't recover because this is my god damn life we're talking about. People say, do the thing you love most secondly, because otherwise you will be so board with it as a career and others say, your passion is your passion and do what you must. I don't know, I just don't know and I have to know and I can't.

In other news, I have a gf now, so yay to a beautiful Kim who is now waiting in Unit 6 for my entrance, so by.

I'm still of the living

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 02:35:27 GMT

Well, I've got just one more week left, and then I'm off to this place they call England. I've been recently thinking about a lot of things, personal and global, mainly because that's one of the main things I've got to do in my life these days, now that my sleeping pattern keeps me awake all night. Lol I have no one to blame for that but myself but it is certainly a talking point if I don't get up until 3 in the afternoon, (no this is not uncommon). Anyways, I want to change a lot of things this year, I want things to be different. To be onnest, I'm tyred of running from new things, like new people, new places, I'm tired of not being daring enough to just walk into life and say, "fuck it." Life is short and all that, so I want things to be different. I wana be that dude in the middle laughing with a group. I wana be that motherfucker that gets halled off to pubs and get-togethers, I wana be that friend that helps people through. It's always a good idea to have goals, and one of mine for the upcoming year is to learn, well, the people game. I've tried over the past two years and I have made undeniable progress, experienced many hings, not all positive but all totally necessary. I'm not saying I don't have regrets, wouldn't've done things differently, but that is part of living, I think. I've alienated people that I didn't need to alienate and I've done things worse, sometimes, than I could have. But I like to think I've also done some good, helping a friend who was depressed, trying to keep him out of the drug game and cover for people against the staff, helping with alcoholism and just trying to be around for the few friends that thought me worth their time. But this year I want to learn how people interact, a bit more anyway. How to be social, chearful, someone people want to know. That's one of my goals. My other goal is not to go do something stupid in the relationship game. I've learned from my mistakes in that area, too and each of the people I've dated has taught me different aspects of that. I'm not looking anymore. That does not mean that I don't wish I had a gf, someone to be there, but I'm no longer actively persueing relations with anyone. I figure, while I'm learning to deal with people, I should be focused on that, not on looking. I won't refuse it if it's offered to me by the right person, by no means, but I will not seek it from anyone. So, it's a year of learning and trying and maybe being rejected and forgotten, but, isn't that what it's all about?

On a totally different note, a rant will follow and it's not for the easily offended, if such a creature is reading this, don't.
My dad came in a few nights ago, expostulating about some sort of astrological fanomena and claming with some furver that it was owed to the grace of God. "you know I'm a creationist and I know that things have their purpose," he said. I hotly refuted this.
I don't understand the desparation that draws these people to religion. It is just some sort of lost hope? What, they want to know that at the end of the road, they are gunna go somewhere nice and be rewarded for all this life of hard work? I ask them why and they just simply say, "it has to be, there must be something." No, newsflash, there does not have to be anything. The universe does not care about the individual, the universe does not give a shit. The brain and flesh and bone that we are will go into the ground and rot. There is no come-back, there is no special little place where pretty girls wait to give you blow jobs on a fucking sandy beach in the sky! Get used to it. What a person really leaves on this earth that means anything is the memories of what he has done. The books, music, or feelings he has left in others. I mean, isn't that what we all do? Go through life, trying to make something that someone will remember when we are finally gone? Would it not be a true travesty of humanity for someone to say, at your graveside. "Their name was nobody, they changed nothing, they did nothing, they never mattered to a single person?" Is that not our greatest earthly fear? Anyways, back to the evolution conversation, dad said, well, evolution deals with the elimination of what is no longer necessary. Like with people being born minus an apendix so why did this religion spring up. Why is it that every society has this religious belief that we originate from and are going to somewhere? I said simply that in previous societies it may have been necessary for humans to believe this, just to explain death, in the same way the greeks tried to explain natural fanomena by using miths. Heaven or reencarnation or spiritual transcendance is no less absurd than the forcing of the goddess demeter into the ground causes the seasons to change each year. there is no difference. As for the removal of that which is no longer necessary by evolution, who is to say that the uprising in atheism that has finally been a light at the end of the religious tunnel is not the gradual removal of that desire to believe that there is a God. Who is to say it? Furthermore, how can someone still turn to religious texts when it is science that answers today's questions, science. Labs and experiments determine tomorrow's world, not a god, goddess or anything else up in the sky. Now let me turn my rath towards the alternate religions out there. The reinsergence of paganism today, for example. For this, one must examine, perversely, christianity. The christians have dominated and subversively controled the world through a mix of mind-controling fear and propaganda. Now, that religion is based on the male dominence and symbolises that. So, what is paganism? Paganism is the female goddess figure. Can anyone see a simple rebellion here? Wicca is mainly though not exclusively, composed of females, this is perhaps a reaction to the antideluvian rules about females which prohibitted them from doing certain things in the christian church. These beliefs therefore, can most certainly not have any basis in reality but they are simply the product of rebellion. I'm just waiting for the day that these religious people wake up and realise , they do not have to rely on a god or all-powerful being to control their lives. I would rather, not kill, be good and help my fellow human beings because I want to, not because some fucking religions tennet tells me I should do so. People should have that interior strength of character for this. I know veryw ell no man can go through life alone on his own strength. But this is why we have friends, to help us and be strong for us as we will for them, but this is totally human in origin and is not dependent on any religious axis. So when the world sees that it can be self-reliant is when we will have true greatness and humanity will realise it's fullest potential. Not before that time. Ok, I'm done.

a random rantish thing

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 23:04:20 GMT

Ok, well, as for me, nothing is going on besides a countdown. 9 days from now I will b in britain again, that's very pleasing to me. But onnestly, I've got something to rant about so anyone who wants to leave, feel free you won't be missing anything, and for that sighted individual who may be reading this, I apolagise this isn't relevant to you. But seriously, what the hell is up with all these deranged blind individuals who go around screaming, blind culture, blind comunity, blind blind fucking blind? First, I am aware that I go to a blind school, but that's because I had to learn certain things and get independent and ncw was a good place to learn that, but why the fuck do these small-minded people keep saying, there should be a blind community and that we have aculture as blind people. No, we don't have a fucking culture. We have a disability that makes it rather difficult to drive cars or use graphic programs, besides that, we are as different as every other person out there. Don't lump all blind people into one little segrigated group that all like to gather and talk about guide dogs and screen readers. We are not all like that and I want to socialise with sighted people as much as anything. It's that type of mentality which will widen, not narrow the gap between the blind and the sighted and sighted people just shrug and say, awww, poor little blind people, of course they would associate only with their own kind. It's that attitude that gives the blind mentality a safe haven. I have not too many...ok only 1, really, sighted friend, I'll admit it. But i would not discount someone just because of the fact that their eyes work or not. Nor will I just associate with blind people by choice. That type of cultural subdividing is what lead countries to racism, homofobia and zenofobia. You people need to realise, we are all on the same fucking plannet and sighted people can be just as stupid, as kind, as heartless or as much of an asshole as blind people can. This aint no clannish group thing where no one gets in without a white-cane and as soon as we associate, it will get easier and easier to do so until those inhebitions that make some sighted people nervous around us, go away. But insulating ourselves will not help.

Ok, I'm done. I don't know why that happened but I saw a few posts on the zone and wanted to make my views known, I don't know why but I'd be interested in comments, agreeing or disagreeing with what I said. I think I'll make this entry public as well just for kicks.

an interesting weekend...

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 00:21:23 GMT

Well, the French group rules. First, we have céline, a girl from the west indees, doesn't speak loads but she has a very strange sort of French accent. Next, Mark, this big tall Affrican dude from the congo. Loves hiphop, english is shit and one of the nicest dudes you could meet. They both can see a bit. Patrique, 18, computer fanatic, totally blind, english not too bad but very accented. Finally, Pauline, 16, very nice girl but good english. We all went to the pub last night, Little did I know, Céline had never drunk alcohol before. Last night, she got totally, totally pissed. Patrique also was not very sober. Now, the inherent problem, céline, was one of our guides, because, total blinds cannot guide total blinds very efficiently, it can be done but it's never recommended. Also, the teacher who came with the french group, MME Hector, is somewhat conservative and we did not want her to know that alcohol had been drunk in copious amounts. So, we have céline, laughing her head off and going between the phrases, "je ne voulais pas m'ivrer ce soir," and, "Dit leur que je suis pas bourée! Dit Leur! Basically, I never wanted to get drunk tonight, and, tell them I'm not drunk, tell them! Lol so, getting back was fun. Everyone had to guide and keep céline and patrique from running off or alerting the staff. I was the only english person there who could speak french with a margen the fluency, so, I was the group translator and director, so, I had to guide, translate and remember the route back, as I was not totally sure of it, myself, from the oak. Now, we got back to fleture, the house where the French were staying on campus and we tried, in vein, to calm Céline. Patrique was not as bad, as he had been drunk before and in time he was a bit more responsive. Céline, no. She went inside with Mark. Now, Madamme Hector, is totally blind and never had I been more thankful for it than last night. Céline literally fell up the stairs, but, she did it, silently. So, Hector was none the wiser! She threw up as well, but it was within the privacy of her own room, so, no one knew accept Pauline who helped her. We were lucky, I know. Today, we all hit the town of worcester with 3 staff as guides, that was fun, we all enjoyed ourselves loads. Tonight, we had to cook for the french, if you think that is not Kaotic in the house kitchen, with other students running in and out, a lack of cutlery and a language barier, think a fucking gain! And we were cooking about 3 things at once so we had to make sure that nothing burned, everything was cut and that everyone had drinks and all that shit. Wow. Add to that one of the girls, english ones, named Lexi, took an attitude and was argumentative and generally annoying. She helped but was controling, bossy and tried to change the hole dynamic. So, functioning in that situation was bloody difficult. After that, mark and I got lost on the way back from Fleture, but we all decided to go to the pub, again, anyway! Why not, right? So we get to the pub, everything went ok with that, I get up to guide Ryan to the bar, as I know exactly where that is, btw, and didn't I run, headlong, into a fucking column. I had blood literally streaming down my face, split myself open right above the left eye and there was absolutely no pain. Apparently it will leave a scar. So, I'm Standing there, my head was a bit spinny for about 5 seconds, got some tissue and wiped up the blood but apparently I have some on my shirt. After that, it was, esentially, the sort of, damnet, that was annoying, type of quote, which must of seemed sort of surreal. Slam! blood all over, and...shit, that's annoying, from me, haha everyone kind a pannicked, which was also quite irritating. O well, it happened and after that, we just all laughed like, lol, I hope I didn't leave blood on the column! haha! The rest of thenight was relaly good, got back fine and I'm just sititng here going damn, did all of that really happen? haha, how odd it was! Comments for you!

ages and ages and ages without an update?

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 13:44:03 GMT

Hay all, well, I think my friends page is fucked, that or no one has updated their journal since tuesday, which surely can't be right? Surely you all aren't as bad as me at keeping up? Regardless, I have not been doing an incredible amount. Well, actually scratch that, I've been doing fuck loads, but not much worth noting. Erica came down last weekend and we spent a very enjoyable time together. That was good ufn that was. She says she's coming back tomorrow, which should be good but I warned her that I'd be very busy. I've got a group of french people coming tomorrow which is going to keep me massively occupied. I went to tescos on Tuesday and baught food for saturday night, for which I will be nicely reembourced by the college. Lol that's cool. It shouuld actually b e a lot of fun if the group is as good as last year's would be. At least I will be able to speak loads of french and chill out a bit. Coursework and everything else is sort of creeping up on me at the moment, so, yeah. Work = 1. Between the 10th and the 21th I will have almost no internet because I will be on halfterm a friend of my parent's. I will be able to get online for about 5 minutes or less every one or two days through my phone just to check email, but that's all i can do. Clara said she might pay a little visit to worcester in March or april. I have to say that'd rule. For those of you that do not know her, Clara is this girl from Rome who I've known for over two years now online and never met. Her english is on par with Ines's and she's just as interesting. We will see if she decides to come or not and if she can get the transportation and things sorted. I must be off and do work and things, so holla or osmething

My troubled friends

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 16:22:38 GMT

Hay all. I'm back after 2 or 3 hours of trying not to convince a friend to commit suicide or something. It was really bad and I'm hoping now that she'd pull through. I'd like to think that I helped bu I don't know. She was thinking about a will, and how she would do it, and had already tried once, the night before, ending up in hospital. I don't know how it's gunna go down but me = worried. I was up til 2 in the morning annalysing and things. It sucked but if I can actually help then I shall do it. How shit, but we can hope. Aside from that, mya cademics needs to return now, studying =1.

My troubled friends

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 11:01:18 GMT

I'm reappearing! for better or worse...

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 09:13:14 GMT

yo all! It's been absolutely ages since I've updated this little bastard. Well, I'm back in the UK and finally over the jet lag. Our computing teacher is not here so I have a free and I really should work during it, but will I? No seriously, will I? Probly not! Regardless, I'm in a pretty good frame of mind at the moment. Me and errica are still good, which is always a good thing, of course. I'm going up to herrorford by train tomorrow to see her, so this is cool. Everyone else seems to be functioning nicely, Taylor, John ETC. John and I have worked out things. We had a long discussion and sorted things out. I remain hopeful, based on what he said that Ines will also do the same. I don't know but all indications point that way. Well, the second term shows more work than I've had in quite some time, it's really friggin incredible the amount of shit that I've got going. In 3 or 4 months, all my coursework will be done, all my shit will have sorted it self out and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. However, until then, I've just got to struggle through. So I really must get going.

I've made my decision

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:44:25 GMT

Well, it's like this. Throughout the context of several email that have been exchanged between john and myself I am hopeful that we will be able to work out our differences. I made a few mistakes and revealed certain information which I should not have, I know that and it is not for john's sake that I regret it, let me make that clear. To the person involved, you know who you were. In any case, I am tired of the drama and am making an effort to minimise it as much as possible. There are some thinks where John is concerned that I will never support or condone, however I shall attempt to not let them get in the way of the rest of it. This type of beef is neither necessary nor productive. With regard to Ines, the floor is open. I do not regret breaking up with her, what I do regret is losing her, though my views remain unchanged on that issue and I am unlikely to budge where that is concerned. However, I knew that what I did would cause her pain, I knew it and yet I had to do it, for leaving it would've caused so much more. I did not ever expect her to learn what she did and I kept that information from her both because I knew it would hurt her the thing about my parents and because I didn't consisider the thing about Taylor relevant. I helped her out with her problems and the basis of that help was my being able to vent to someone else about them, to get ideas and to use Taylor as a sounding board. Ines cannot deny that I helped her, of this I am certain, however, understanding her prospective in thiese matters, I cannot condemn her for what she did, it was just as logical as what I did. That said, all I will state is that, in this life, one cannot afford to lose the people that they are close to, and I was close to her, as she was to me. To that end, I am not blocking her, maybe, one day, there may be a recovery, not of trust, but of diplomatic relations, I'm not holding my breath, but I think in this life you should always leave a door open, in case anyone wishes one day to walk back through it. I wish T had adopted that same philosophy with regard to our arguments last year, but I lost her, I don't wish to lose anyone else in my life, turbulent though it can be. In other news, I am officially back in bermuda. The flight was long but not too bumpy as it goes. Don't know if I'm glad to be back home but it is a nice change every once and a while to see the place. I have shit loads of work to do over the holidays, joy, so, something else to think about. O well, might as well leave I guess. Holla

Board

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 18:05:57 GMT

Hay all, just chilling and being deadly board. I got about 4 hours or so before things get popping with Lukkette Coming, so I'm kind of spinning my wheals. I'm so dead board I'm thinking about doing work! Today was ok, I kind of fell asleep in computing but this is not abonormal. Rothwell just goes, ok, everyone get that? and do we have to wake Matthew up, without pause. Lol, I had 4 free periods, did some work and chilled, had French and yeah, my day is borring really. I texted Ines my phone number. So we will see if she can call me because this fucking vodophone contract isn't letting me call outside the country at the moment! I can't even activate the international feature because the account is in mom's name and they need her to call up and authorise me! so blah! Also I got my railcard, so hopefully the assistance and discounts that this card offers will get my parents off my back about the independence thing, so at least I can get around a bit. It is so so so irritating having overprotective parents! It pisses me off. Taylor sent her package yesterday chears, Imzadi, you rule. I made Ines very happy with the message that I was going to Germany, so...cool! So just sitting here thinking about her and listening to German rap, which does go together really.

thursdays, just as bad as sundays in my opinion...

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 10:57:04 GMT

Well, thursday's are bad, you wish to know why? Ok I will tell you, not that you actually did wish to know, or anything, but it's because your just sitting there, in class, thinking fuck this, two more days and it's the weekend. But your still stuck. I had a good long brouse at Sean randal's journal yesterday. One of the entries, topless squared, had me doubled, over, laughing my fucking arse off in the middle of a classroom. Lol, if you haven't read it, you must, right now! hit up http://www.livejournal.com/users/randylaptop and, that username, randy laptop! Anyways, just proves it all right there, really. I'm wondering how to tactfully tell someone that they are pissing me off I'd like to stab them and for them never to enter my room again! I mean, the dude is ok, but, onnestly, he's just not someone I wana hang out with on a regular basis, he's too conformist and makes things up and just generally irritates me. Unfortunately I'm not capable of bluntness in this situation so I'm pretty fucked. He's out of his mind. He braught over a few beer cans last night we locked a door and drank a bit, I only had one though. Yay. But yeah it sucks, I prefer it when people are blunt to me and I can't return it? That's irritating! Taylor says she is going to send me a package, you rule! Mom sent in the germany permission form,s o guess who I'm gunna see next march! I don't know what's up with her attempts to get into the UK next year though so um? Gunna call her tonight. Naturally, it's the one and definitely only, Inesle! Lukkette is coming down tomorrow, she's wickid, despite some of the drama she creates she still rules. I'm weird, I know. Shout out to everyone I still can't talk to, maybe this weekend, maybe. Holla!

back form a holiday

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 12:43:26 GMT

Hi all, just got back after a long 10 day schoolfree holiday. So, it was quite good. as I might have said, we went up to winser, not sure if that's how it's spelled, with mom because she flew up and a friend of her's lives there. We didn't do loads for most of the week, but, I got hold of a new talks phone! If you guys do not know what that is, esentially it's a phone with a program on it that allows speech. It's a totally normal phone. I bagged a Nokia 6680 on contract so I didn't actually have to buy the phone in question. I met these three girls, the daughters of a friend of this friend of my mom's, anyway that just sounded odd, but anyways. Three girls, 15 16 and 17 . They had lived in spain for 2 years and spoke fluent spanish, they'd also lived in America and sweedon, so they spoke Swedish. It went really well, I played guitar, had lunch with them and chatted for like 3 hrs! They were, of course, fully sighted. That's why it was so wickid, I didn't get dissed, no problems, they kept the conversation going just as I did, no oddness at all. And apparently they are all fit! It was brilliant! I have to say I was nervous, as I'm really not good with talking to people and just generally being conversational, but it went really really well. Tj, I know exactly what you were saying in your last post, mate, about wondering when you'll be able to just aproach someone without a difficulty, I'm in that exact same situation but I think we are both making progress. I really wana get back on and start chattin with my old online crew again, sorry chelsey, TJ, Charleen, Insectoid, ETC but man, time changes are really really bad! Lol I may not be able to carry on a fullfledged conversation until christmas when I go back to Bermuda. Anyways, aside from that, not loads going on. Needing to get back to work tomorrow, fun fun.

Another Monday

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 12:39:23 GMT

First, let me say that you all suck! Whoever updated their journal just prevented me from checking my friends page, lol because there was massive amounts of cursing or something and this network doesn't like it. Now, I'm gunna do this entry in spanish, why, you might ask, because I can. Este fin de semána fue bien. No hice mucho, pues, no se puede decir que era productivo, dormí mucho y relajé con Taylor y unos otros de mis amigos. El viernes, iré con mi madre a Winser para pasar las vacaciones. Dice que tiene el internet la amiga que estaramos, entonces es posible que pueda ir a mi livejournal y msn, pero no sé. Tengo que trabajar ahora, y no tengo mucho a decir. Adios

niceness or something

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 10:13:46 GMT

Well, I left yesterday kind of depressed and not feeling so good, but I really don't know why I was so. I suppose you just get like that sometimes. But, I did like 3 hours of work last night and felt better. Then, Lukkette came by from Briten! How wickid is that! So we ordered chinese and chilled out for the
rest of the night. She says she wants to sleep in our house tonight, that's cool, I gott aspare bed, and, before you dirty minded bastards think anyting, you all know her history so it's not like I'd do anything. Shit, bell,, french

drained

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 11:52:50 GMT

Ok, well, the subject says it all really. I'm just totally fucking drained today. Classes kind of sucked this morning because we ended up doing some crazy floating point binary shit, converting decimals into 8 bit binary numbers, the first 5 being a fraction and the last 3 being a power of two, thus creating the number, or some such thing. Spanish jus sucked. Then guitar was actually really fuckin difficult, the fingering is becoming ever more complex. I'm tired and blah and don'feel like working through lunch, which I will, going to my last classes of the day, going back to my room, working more, cooking, which I really don't wana do but must, and being polite to everyone in between. This sucks. But yeah. I literally worked about 4 hrs on saturday, another hour on sunday, straight, no breaks, nada. Haven't gone out much and it's to the point where being social is an effort. But I have no choice because motherfuckers keep knocking on my door! Lol I'm actually falling asleep writing this. Did a good 2 and a half hours of work last night and then just wanted to do more but couldn't because I didn't have the energy then ryan came and I lost the inclanation. We've got a few friends coming up in 2 weeks. If everything goes well, Lukkette, Alex, Neena, Erica and Adam P are going to come down and we'll setup a wickid blazin weekend. I don't care what my workload is, I gotta just do something. There's a girl at Worcester university from RNC (a nearby blind college) and errica wanted to see her, which kicked off the hole thing. Errica and Neena are students who left before I came but were friends of my crew last year so came to Worcester a few times. Should be interesting. Ok, I'm off, wana sleep

ok, it's monday, what can I say.

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 13:04:10 GMT

Ok, I'm back in class, doing my journal entry from my tipical hangout, room 36 computer lab. This weekend was quite good, I read, literally read, the previous entry to Taylor, and we have come to an agreement, to help each other through our own seperate issues, if she could be controled, she must have her own difficulties, so we have agreed to mutual assistance. This weekend was very productive, but it was a good mix between working, as I did 3 different writing projects, in 3 different languages, French, German and Spanish, and I also went out to a pub on Friday night and to a thai restaurant on Saturday night. Ryan Morland, a friend of mine who left last year, Not to be confused with Ryan hutchings who's still here, came up to worcester form herroford and we went out to a thai place. I only had two drinks on friday, a beer and a JD. My parents have specifically spoken to the staff and said that if I drink, anything, they want to know and I will be braught back to Bermuda, so I had to be very, very careful. I also only wanted to have a few because I do get somewhat violent, ok, extremely agressively violent and depressed, if I have more, as happened last July. So, yeah, but I didn't get caught so it was ok. I'm not really feeling too social these days, I'd just rather sit inside, work and do my own thing than hang with too many people, I will hang but you know, I don't have to hang all the time, you know. I like my solitude loads. I've also got my sleeping patterns back to normal, so I can't stay up all night any more, which is like, oops, for several reasons cause it means I can't talk to some people, sorry chelsey and you guys, it sucks, lol we need to talk again sometime. I need to get back to the gym, I really do, but haven't really done it more than once. I also got hold of the newest sean Paul album, Trinity, which is relatively good and I got it last friday and it's not released til the 27th lol. I'm just good like that. John also corrected one of my French essays, heh my multilingual contacts are going to become so useful when I do my courseworks. And, I will end the entry with a song I wrote, for Ines, in spanish. Believe it or not, this was assigned by ms. Hererro, my spanish teacher, she wanted to see if I could do it, and, here it is. If you can't speak spanish and want it translated, comment and I will do so next entry. I love comments btw! Here is la canción.

La Canción:

no se puede describir nuestra conexión,
palabras son inadecuadas, pues, usaré una canción.
y toda la distancia que nos separa,
me hace más impaciente cada día de ver tu cara.
cuando hay drama, con amigos o tus padres,
estoy aquí, para tí, y yo sé que lo sabes.
por todos los argumentos, empezando sin razón,
estamos todavía juntos, sin vacilación.

2.

si la vida te parece demasiada dura,
puedes venir a mí, si quieres sentirte segura.
En nuestra relación, seré muy diligente,
todo lo que te pido, es que seas paciente.
te conozco mejor que nadie puede conocerte,
Y para tu confianza, tengo que agradecerte.
me das la inspiración para sacar lo mejor de mí,
y espero que pienses en mí cuando leas las palabras aquí.

3:
cada momento que pasamos es especial,
si en colegio, o en casa, todo es igual.
intendo ayudarte pero eres independiente,
quieres solucionar todo, lo tuyo, personalmente.
cuando oigo tu bonita voz por el teléfono,
me dices que me amas, y me pregunto ¿cómo?
esta canción describe solamente uno,
Ines, mi novia, para mí eres todo.

I'm just Walking

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 11:55:05 GMT

You ever get the feeling like your uncomfortable in your own skin? Like you are just walking through a laborinthian tunnel, understanding neither it's beginning nor it's end, but jsut walking through it because to be walking is and is not enough for you, at the same time? Like maybe you shouldn't be there, but the walls of that tunnel are everything and you can't see anything beyond it accept a distant light, promissing neither hope nor pain, just, promissing something.? That's kind of how I'm like. Like Í don't belong yet I don't not belong either and I'm just gunna keep walking because that's all their is to do really. I'm odd, I know. Myw eekend was fucked up. I woke up at 5:330 pm on saturday and stayed up all that night, literally 7 hours on skype with Taylor lol, then just played guitar and chilled until about 1 that sunday afternoon before falling asleep again until about 4. Then went to sleep that night, woke up at 7 A.M the next morning, even before my alarm, and was fine yesterday and today. How odd is that? I've been speaking with the new German students quite a bit, in German, of course. They speak at normal conversational speed and I get enough to understand the main point of the conversation and contribute, though of course I don't understand every word. Tamara is so quiet lol, but that other dude emanuel speaks rather a lot. The new computing teacher is really irrtating, he teaches very slowly and thinks we are all dumb, I think, but he really knows his shit. It's annoying but if you have the pacience to withstand the slowness you can learn loads. My spanish teacher is incredibly energetic, always, no matter when. The best, the best, teacher here, by far. She knows exactly where my weekenesses are and pushes very hard, you exit each lesson with her feeling bloody exhausted. So, having 140 minutes of her in one day, as I will have on thursday is quite nasty really. Today is me and Ines's aniversarry! I'll be calling her tonight because I haven't spoken to her since a day after she left. Man, I'm telling you sometimes feeling alone is the worst thing. Anyways, before this gets totally blah I'm just gunna go to lunch.

last day on the island

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 20:32:18 GMT

Well, I'm about to fly, in less than an hour actually. Tomorrow we will be just sleeping in the hotel and chillin, getitng over the jet lag, and after that? I'm back in college. I really hope I will have the web from my new room, but the wireless should do it, ideally I will have a perfect signal, no roomate and no irritating people near my room, too much to hope for? maybe. Mom had such a fit today and when she heard hat I was speaking to Taylor again. Her exact quote was, "you are a fucking idiot. She is a twisted little lieing conniving bitch." This from a woman who is usually incredibly diplomatic. SHe was so hiper like it was her life, not mine. When I pointed this out to her, she got even more pissed, so what can I say, parents, right? I've been having major problems with the desktop and every since I installed this avast antivirus thing that the computer guy told me to put on it, jaws and supernova have both locked up and I can't read shit! Well I guess I should be greatful that at least the laptop works or I would be severely fucked. Man my sarcadian rhythms are so messed up, I've been going to bed at like 5:30 in the morning and waking up at 3 in the afternoon. I'm hoping the jet lag will work for me, not against me. Sent an email to Ines, in a week or two is our year anniversary, that's really impressive, and how much has changed, wow, how different I am now than I was then, makes me think really. Currently reading interview with a vampire, it's bloody good! Absolutely no pun intended. Anyways, I must be off to dress and fly off into the sunset, lol. Holla

Not as board but still.

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 04:18:39 GMT

Well, today is a day. Well that was just weird. I pushed my computer backwards to get a better angle on the keyboard and my music died, I just found out that I'd unplugged the ethernet, how blah. Fixed it now. Anyways, I got up at like almost 3 in the afternoon but couldn't make anything for eating because someone was cleaning. Eventually managed. Taylor got on and we spoke. Ok, let me elaborate on that situation, why am I still talking to this girl after everything? After I had proof that she's lied to me, suspition that she is a hypocondriak, and that she's just straight up weird. I don't know. I've got a thousand reasons to get rid of her, but I don't do it. Why is that? I think it's probably because she's one of the few people that actually know who I am, she's seen the best and worst of me and has not left, neither had inesle, I grant you, and that means more than she will ever know, but regardless. Maybe I just need someone close to me to be around? why? I don't know but it may be so, because I can't speak too much with Ines so...or maybe it's a lot more weird than that. Maybe I need someone who I can control, or show my darkest sides to without her leaving, because I can't do that with anyone, and nor should I, with the hostility that I can put out. I don't know but we are both content to maintain the current status, it's just that I have to keep questionning. Maybe I will never be satisfied until I get the answers. In other news, one day closer to my departure! I'm looking forward to leaving majorly. So, whatever, fuck it. I'm going out to dinner tomorrow and catching a movie so at least that will get me out of the bloody house.

my first entry

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 05:42:40 GMT

Well, look at that, I know I'm jumping on the bandwagon a bit late, but here it is, my livejournal. I'm not sure why I'm actually writing this, maybe because everyone else is and I'm just being a conformist, maybe because I figure I will need a place to vent sometime, maybe because I'm board as hell! Seriously, it's bloody borring here. I'm back in Bermuda, my real home, but I think it sucks a bit. Inesle1987, my gf, who is also part of livejournal, was here for almost a month, it was the best summer in living memory, but now that she's gone it just sucks a bit. Moreover, my laptop gave me shit, something about a dirty harddrive and having to isolate it's bad sectors, so it's being annoying right now. I'm going back to the UK for my second year in a school for the blind up there. I love it, it's the only place where I actually feel accepted and can be the person I choose to be. Well, maybe people are just saying they accept me and they really don't, but let's not go into the mistrust thing just yet. Ok ok, I don't trust anyone, onnestly, if someone says something, I believe the exact reverse of that. I live my life by a few different axioms. The first is, if someone's helping you out of a pit, watch out for the knife in their other hand. Another is, anything given will be returned, both good and bad, so I try not to be too negative with people or do negative things, because I do believe that carma exists, strange? Fuck you! I don't care! Yeah I onnestly don't care what people think here, ok? Well, I got up at almost 2 in the afternoon today, and am not going to bed until 4 something, I know my sarcadian rhythms are out of wack but I figure that when I fly back to the UK I will get it sorted due to jet lag. So, nothing really went on. I'm speaking to Taylor again, I'll explain more of that situation tomorrow, but I thought I'd get myself established on here first. I'll see you sad people who actually do read this, tomorrow.